Ever since I got the diagnosis and even two months prior to that I was not able to sleep trough the night without strong pains.
I am now on strong pain medication but I still can feel the difference between a good sleep and a coma sleep induced by the painkillers.
I believe my good sleep comes from finally being able to relax again after I have started to meditate in a buddhist house here in Berlin.
The meditation is very simple: sit up streight and breath in and out. Whatever comes your way; noises, thoughts, pain. My biggest problem was sitting upright, because I just had had a big operation in the stomach where I was cut open. So my stomach mussels don't like to be streched upright. Not to think of a backbend. It is just the ability to sit upright which causes me a lot of effort and hurts in the stomach and in the back. But ever since the operation and also before that I had strong backpains, because there was an operation before the big stomach op.
But what is happening now is that I can sit upright more and more again and that my pain in the back is getting less. But most importantly I finaly am able to calm down and just be with what is. And this is very freeing and very healing.
After the big operation they told me that there was some cancer left - about 5% from the original mass. They could not take out these 5% because it was sitting on the solar plexus behind the stomach on a central system.
I hope that I can help my body to get rid of this cancer. I am still very much under weight (currently under 60 kg) and I am doing as much as I can to heal again.
Cancer is a very strange illness. It takes all your strength yet forces you to go find a way back to your strength.
The picture is from the buddha sitting in my little room where I currently live. It is a very good reminder of what is most important to do when the world around you goes crazy. Just sit up and breath in and out.
